06 February 2017

God knows everything

In the afternoon, I informed G that because she didn’t keep her hairbands quickly, grandma had thrown them away. A while later, she went to the rubbish bin to retrieve, they weren’t’ there anymore.  The rubbish had gone into the big trashbin. Amist the naggings and frequent scoldings, G asked me this last night, “Mommy, do you like grandma?”

I looked at her and saw that she was filled with a lot of hurt and some frustration, as if waiting for me to say something bad about grandma in order for her to feel better, in order to justify her feelings toward grandma.

She waited for a few seconds, and she blurted “I don’t like her. I really don’t like her at all” and she almost teared.

That night, I laid down close to her and I said “G, there will be many times that people may hurt us, leave us disappointed, make us upset. But I want to let you know that God will take care of it”.

She was very quiet and she continued to listen.

Me: Mommy meant that whenever we are hurt or upset or wronged by others, all we need to do is to tell it to Jesus. And He will deal with it. We let Jesus take care of it, because we can’t. The friend who took your toy without permission, who hit you, who shouted at you, who cut your queue, will have a bad day tomorrow. He will go out to the playground and suddenly it rains, he will be drawing and his colour pencils would be broken, he will board the bus but the bus broke down and so on.

And everytime you drop a tear due to injustice, an angel comes and collects the drops of tears into a glass bottle and gives it to Jesus. Jesus keeps these bottles and when you go to Heaven next time, you will see all these bottles of precious tears.

And everytime you didn’t fight back, everytime you control yourself and not shout and scream back at the person, Jesus will make you better. Your heart gets more beautiful and so does your eyes, nose, mouth. Your face gets prettier and prettier and people don’t know why. Your hair gets smoother, you grow taller, you become cleverer. When you want to go out and play, the rain stops for you. When you are hungry, there’s food on the table. When you are ill, you get well super fast (faster than others).

And so, back to grandma. Isn’t she nice at times too? She brings you out to Japanese restaurant. She gives you ice cream. She goes Batam and Hong Kong with us. She is nice to us too, right?

G: *nodded in agreement* “then what about Papa?, do you hate him?”

Me: No I don’t hate him. God will take care of him for me. And all the things that I have said just now, will happen for me. People may not know, but God knows everything. 

31 January 2017

Bury it

Have you tried running on a treadmill and crying at the same time? I realised that I didn't feel tired at all. I didn't feel my muscles aching. I didn't feel out of breath. All I felt was pain. My heart was so broken and so painful that I cannot feel anything else. Suddenly, I realised that I felt vomitish and giddy. I looked at the time. Almost one hour passed.

I felt so stupid. I didn't realised that I so looked forward to our dreams. They are all gone in front of me as I was on the treadmill. The same treadmill that I envision our future together. This time it hurts in a different dimension, I guess, because it involves the children. I am so naive. But thank God, He held the brakes to prevent me from falling deeper.

God is always with me whenever I cry. He is really always there gently and patiently as if telling me "Cry it all out, cry all you want. You will get better. This is just a transition. One day, you will find someone who is proud to be with you, who cannot bear to see you shed another tear, who cannot wait to showcase you to the world. One day, you will find someone who will trust and believe in you, even before you utter a word."

Yes someday I will.

I have decided not to bring this baggage to February. It will stay in January and I will leave it right here. Last day of January 2017. Time to finally let go and make sure it stays here. I will bury it here forever.

And to you, I wish you all the best, with sincerity, that you will find someone perfect for you.

我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开

19 January 2017

January 2017 (edited)

So many things happened. Happy things, unhappy things, I lift them unto Jesus. It has been a few days that I listened to worship songs and sermons upon sermons on youtube. Before I knew it, 6 hours have passed. It is so amazing. God is so good. I feel like running out at a big field, and shout it out loud that our God is so good.

The Holy Spirit is very gentle and comforting. Once, I hid myself in the toilet and wailed buckets of tears uncontrollably. He spreaded out my grief in stages so that I can handle it easier. He doesn't have to do it, but because He loves me, He prepared me for it and somehow you just know. Alot of things cannot be explained, it's all about experiencing.

Yes, I am in a shitty circumstance. But God is above all and He is in control. I feel much much better after crying and pouring out to Him. How awesome is it to know that, our God is a god who speaks to our hearts through His word, the holy spirit and revelations?

People may be very clever, but not have wisdom. They may keep fit and eat well but not get health afterall. God is the one who gives wisdom and health. He gave nuggets of wisdom the next day after my prayer. And He made it such that I could relate. Not some big fancy and hard to understand kind of wisdom.

Oh, how wonderful is our God. Thank you Pst Prince for his preaching.

This is the series of Chinese worship songs that I have been listening to. Alot of them makes me tear every morning when I am otw to work.  You can find them on youtube.


Till then, take care.

Happy New Year 2017 :)

3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

My hair in 2016

Jan 2017

18 October 2016

PPO Obtained and Granted by Court Against him

I just wanted to update that I have been drained lately. I am going to Court, appearing at mentions and also need to provide documentation regarding my PPO (Personal Protection Order) against my ex-hubby. There is family violence at home during this trying period and I needed to protect the children.

Each judge is different and many times, i feel it is based on luck if you meet a judge that is in your favour. I had one male (non chinese) judge who asked me "are you sure what you have written down here are all true?", as if doubting me. And I have also met a female judge who would say things like "don't worry, even non-physical violence, you can explain and tell your side of the story how he was emotionally and verbally violent".

Expedited Order

The actual PPO granted

I am also not hesitating to get PPO for myself if he hits me again. He hit me once last week and we got into a small tussle. I don't have a lawyer to represent me for the PPO cases. My lawyer is strictly only assisting in my divorce matters, hence it is so exhausting.

I just find all of these tiring and wasting of alot of time and energy amist the divorce proceedings. I also have to work full time and take care of the children and also my maid. Maids are frequently a vomit blood issue but we need their help too. Such a dilemma.

On my ezcema, I ate frog porridge previously and it took me close to a month to get better. The skin around my elbows were affected so I had to wear long sleeves now to cover.

Back to strict diet again.